I had no idea what I was looking at.
I had no idea it would be so difficult to retrieve.
I had no idea it could all be taken away!!
I had no idea I could be put in such a vulnerable position.
I had no idea I would feel so Abused, Violated, and Devastated.
I am talking about a virus that decrypted all my computer files. The computer technician deemed the virus to be ransom ware. In which all my hard work and dedication to this journey was gone, stolen from me by hackers. Everything was taken from me, testimonials, reviews, speeches, pictures, blogs, everything.
It never entered my mind that anything like this could happen. That someone could get into my computer and be looking at me. Planning to destroy and steal all that I created, all that I worked so hard on for years. Only to ask for money to get it all back.
I had no idea how this experience would affect me physically, emotionally, and psychologically. For the first five days, I was sick to my stomach, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Totally in disbelief, and having anxiety attacks.
As time went on, I became fearful of life, afraid to go outside for my daily walk. Afraid to drive my car, fearful an object was closer than I thought. Surely, I was going to hit it. Fearful another car was going to hit me, or I couldn’t judge distance between cars, or wouldn’t be able to slow down when necessary.
As the days and weeks continued, I realized this computer experience was bringing up my very painful past. Violation after violation. Yesterday’s feelings of being vulnerable, unsafe, not trusting, exposed, made me feel like I was raped once again and the perpetrator stole my panties.
I cried, I struggled to hang on, I was exhausted, numb, fighting to resist a state of depression I would never crawl out of. Desperately clinging to affirmations, with an intention of optimism, goodness, happiness, the bright side of this lesson.
I worried, will I ever be able to move on from this trauma? Will I be able to feel my passion to make a difference? To give from my heart and soul again? Will I find joy in my everyday life? This heaviness I am carrying is destroying me. I pray for new strength, purpose, and more resilience. I pray to find me again. The me that has the guts and gumption to stand tall and make a difference for victims of domestic violence.
To make a difference for all who have been.
Abused!! Violated!! and Devastated!!
Hugs,
Casey
